Coors Brewery – Golden, CO

I’m living my best life right now, is something I tell myself every single day when it becomes more and more apparent that I am, in fact, not living my best life. Denver is so boring for me, my dudes. I can never find something truly worth doing, most of my time is spent fighting with people about couches, making coffee for business people in LoDo, and avoiding school work. When I’m depressed and broken to my core, I see a movie now that I’m an official AMC A-List member, which is just their version of MoviePass. (Not to brag, because this is wholly not a brag, but I’ve legitimately seen every movie being shown at AMC right now.)

But last Thursday I had some free time and was, once again, suffering a wholly crushing couch-related defeat, so I was looking for something to do and decided to do part two to the MillerCoors tour that I started way back in 2017. If you want me to lament about the passage of time, I can, but as we speak, I’m texting Smittsburger about where we were at 24 versus where we are now at 26 and I’m too sad to really get into it. But you can check out that post on your own if you so choose.

Anyways, I went up to Golden just to discover that this tour is $5 for Colorado residents and $10 for everyone else. It’s self guided. And you get three beers at the end and a pint glass. Is it worth it? Fuck no. Here’s the thing. I don’t give a shit about listening to recording of a guy in a recording booth in California, wondering why he went to Julliard if all he’s going to do is audio tours, reciting a script about fucking trash beer. I don’t care. Coors is the same story as literally everyone else. He was like “oh, I am a German immigrant and I know not what to do other than to brew the golden ale of the gods.” And then he was like “but alas, where?” And found some crisp af water in the mountains and was like “ahoy, here I shall stake my claim.” And boom. Fucking beer. I love Halloween.

Of course there was like, scandal and intrigue and shit, but man. There’s beer. And the tour is boring. And the line to get beer at the end was so long that I only had one and slammed it, because I’m 26 fucking years old. I do not need to wait literally twenty minutes to drink a goddamn Banquet Beer. That’s the kind of shit you do when you have a fake id that only works at a trash heap bar on Water Street. I can literally walk in anywhere in this whole nation and just buy a good beer. Not something only suitable for flip cup and your grandpa’s garage. Not even my grandpa’s garage. My grandfather only drank Miller Lite. Like an American.

Also, it’s total horseshit that this tour costs ten dollars and you get, arguably, less than the free Miller tour in Milwaukee. Because on the Miller tour, you also get pretzels! Here you had to buy pub pretzels out of a vending machine! Like a monster! And there’s no caves. In Milwaukee, they have CAVES and caves make the tour. And they don’t even have to “make” the tour because the tour. Is. Free.

The buildings weren’t interesting to look at. They were historically appealing. They were just… buildings. Factories. The Miller Valley is a rich and bustling little area that preserved the interesting history that Miller brought to Milwaukee. What the fuck does the Coors Brewery have? NOTHING. There is nothing redeeming. Just like most of what I’ve seen of the immediate Denver area. No goddamn culture.

4/10, would not recommend.

*I took pictures but my phone won’t let me get any of them off the phone and onto my laptop but that’s fine. The pictures weren’t interesting anyways.

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